(FRIENDS Video Clip: Difference between Women & Men)
Kimani: This past weekend I was watching one of my all time favorite shows, FRIENDS (the link provided above), and a particular clip went along with Wood’s Chapter 9, specifically the phrase about needing to be “bilingual – to learn to understand and use both ways of expressing and experiencing intimacy” (Wood, p. 210). In the video clip, Rachel and Ross kissed for the first time, reported back to their guy friends/girlfriends respectively, and described the kiss in completely different ways. The idea of gendered specific ways of expressing intimacy was something I paid attention to in my personal
relationships, but I never truly examined myself to see which “language” I spoke in the matter. Going off of the reading, I would say I am definitely bilingual. However, I may have more of a masculine gendered style when it comes to my personal relationships. Like the feminine style, I hold verbal communication as very important, but I do place a restriction on the amount of information I disclose; I’ve noticed this comparatively in my female relationships. I do, however, form the majority of my relationships and closeness “in the doing.” It is more natural for me to form relationships primarily out of activities both my partner and myself enjoy doing and centering our conversation around there. Also, as far as the comforting role is concerned, I realized that I tend to take the masculine style of getting my partner to engage in some activity or anything of that nature to get their mind off of it, rather then sitting down and talking about it.
Jess, which language do you speak?
Jessica: I definitely see a lot of similarities between us when it comes to having both feminine and masculine characteristics of expressing intimacy. Although yes, I consider myself “bilingual,” I tend to value verbal communication a little more than “doing” activities when it comes to establishing relational closeness. I am a very expressive person, and I truly value having healthy, open, verbal communication in a friendship, whether it is one that involves members of the same or different sexes. As a result, when someone is equally open with me as I am with them (in regards to their verbal communication), I often will feel a stronger sense of connection between us.
In addition to touching on the different gendered styles of establishing intimacy in relationships, I also want to talk about Chapter 12’s discussions on sexual slavery. As Wood stated on p.290, “sexual slavery is not confined to the past” and 480,000 – 640,000 girls are trafficked into slavery each year. Personally, seeing these numbers makes me cringe, and I can’t help but think that our society isn’t doing enough to increase awareness of this issue, especially because 50,000 – 100,000 of these girls are trafficked into the U.S. (p.290).
I immediately thought of the movie “Taken;” it is about a young, American, female virgin who travels abroad and is kidnapped to be sold as a sex slave. In the end, her father, who used to be a secret agent of some sort, gets her home safely: but what about all the other girls around the world who aren’t this lucky? What if sexual slavery IS their reality? I wish there were more images in our mass media regarding these issues, instead of sugar-coating sexual slavery as the typical American fairy tale story with a happy ending, as it is in “Taken.”
What do you think Kimani?
Kimani: I remember the movie as well, and I definitely think if it would have ended in an unfortunate (yet realistic) way of her never getting home, it would’ve been much more “controversial” and would have sent a stronger message to the public. Our world, especially the United States in my opinion, tends to “hide” or “cover up” gruesome reality through various forms of the media. Whether it is because we do not want the public to know the “darkness” of our country, or whether we want to play the role as seeming better than other countries, the idea of sexual slavery is not as heavily talked about as it should be, whatever the case may be. On our campus in particular however, I have seen that there has been a growth in awareness and support in regards to human trafficking since when I first attended in Fall ‘08. However, JMU vs. the world is not a fair fight. The high numbers of human trafficking made me cringe as well, but what really disturbed me was the following statement:
“Virgins bring particularly high prices, because in some countries men with HIV-AIDS believe that having sex with a virgin will cure them” (Kristof, 2006). ← I just don’t understand.
Jessica: I did a little background research to get a little more insight on that statement, and I found some interesting information on this particular myth. JournAIDS, an organization that addresses issues surrounding HIV-AIDS communities, stated on their website that this “virgin cure” myth may have originated in the 16th century, but really flourished in the 19th century. This myth, communicated in folk tale form, is more prevalent in South African countries; JournAIDS also acknowledged that the earliest South African record of virgin rape was during soldiers’ returns from the Second World War. In general, the basic belief behind this myth is that a man with HIV/AIDS/other sexually transmitted disease(s) will be cured if he has sex with a virgin female. As a result, many people with physical or mental disabilities are also victims because of the [awful] assumption that they are sexually inactive, and are therefore virgins.
Personally, I think there may be a few things going on behind the scenes in regards to this myth. From a cultural perspective, I recognize the power of community, and as a result, I understand how this folk tale can be continually enacted in certain societies without much question. From a gender perspective, I can also see how this myth, and many others, can be used as a mechanism for rapists to justify their own hypermasculine views of sexuality and their decision to rape another human. Thanks for bringing that up Kimani! I really believe that looking into myths, such as the “virgin cure” myth, may give us better insight into the decision-making processes of others, no matter how negative they may be.
I completely agree with the idea that the movie Taken would have been more controversial and effective if it did not have such a happy ending. It seems so easy to place the blame on what is foreign, as the United States has a tendency to do. This issue reminds me of a book that I read for another class called The Lost Sisterhood. This book was more oriented toward Prostitution in the late 19th-early 20th century, however, there was a big section dedicated to white slavery. The first issue that I take with this term is that a majority of the women that were lured into sexual trafficking during this period were actually foreign women, many of whom were not caucasion, yet they did not recieve the attention they deserved. Secondly, many of the men trafficking the women were actually white American men, although there was a strong tendency to blame men of foreign origin. Furthermore, “white slavery” was accounted for only about 10 percent of prosititution during this period, but it was easier for the middle-upper class Americans to make a big deal of it, dramatize it, and blame foreigners than to deal with the real reasons that women were becoming prostitutes. I think that today it is true that we still have a tendency to gloss over the problem rather than dealing with the fact that sex trafficking is happening both abroad, AND in the United States as well as feigning ignorance to the fact that there are systems, processes, and realities which allow sex trafficking to take a back seat to other issues, which in my opinion are not nearly as important as the direct harm and violence that these victims are facing daily.
Similar to Kimani, one of the sections that really shocked me was when the author stated, “Virgins bring particularly high prices, because in some countries men with HIV-AIDS believe that having sex with a virgin will cure them.” I remember hearing about this myth a few years ago on the Oprah show where she had an episode showing South African shelters that were formed to take care of the young girls that had been raped by older men with AIDS in an attempt to cure themselves. One of the children was only a few months old and watching the episode brought up a lot of emotions that I honestly put out of my mind until this reading. I think Jessica brought up a good point about the media not always covering these controversial topics of rape, sex trafficking, AIDS, and other issues, simply because it’s hard to think about all of the cruelty and injustice that goes on in the world. But by the media not making it a point to cover these issues, many people are left uninformed and therefore these sexual issues continue to occur with no solution in sight. I myself am equally as guilty as the media for putting these issues out of my mind instead of being a voice for all the men and women out there who are facing these challenges. I’m thankful for the JMU community having organizations and events, such as “Take Back the Night,” to educate fellow students about these issues, instead of pretending that they don’t exist.
I wasn’t able to find the specific Oprah episode I referred to, but I found another video about the shelters for young girls that are victims of HIV/AIDS rapes that I was talking about:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CA5EO4yMznY
Another aspect of the reading that stood out to me was a side caption stated by a man named Austin, “What do girls expect if they go to a club where hookups happen, and they’re wearing revealing clothes that are meant to excite and provoke guys, and they are dancing suggestively? It’s like sending out an invitation to a guy. So why, when a guy accepts, do they blame him for responding to their invitation?” (pg 290) I was absolutely disgusted by his response, implying that if a girl where’s revealing clothing she’s basically asking for it. Ignorant statements like these are one of the many reasons rape is so common. Men and women should be able to dance and dress however they choose without being scrutinized.
That clip gave me goosebumps! I’d love to watch the entire documentary.
In terms of our gendered communication, I just wanted to add that I think most women would consider themselves “bilingual” (understanding and using both ways of expressing and experiencing intimacy [Wood, p. 210]), myself included. In terms of verbal communication, I consider myself more masculine, in that I do not disclose a lot of information about myself to my partner voluntarily. I’m that ONE girl that just answers “fine” instead of giving a complete rundown of my day (or so I’ve been told – yes, it has been an issue in past relationships). In terms of the “take care” aspect, however, I am very feminine. I see absolutely nothing wrong in doing the domestic things for my partner and me. I WANT to cook dinner, fold his clothes and do our laundry because he works hard and I know he appreciates it. Call it what you like, but I see these efforts contributing to my personal ideologies and the weird hybrid of revalorist/liberal/power feminism to which I subscribe.
Also, a quick note about what I was thinking when we were talking about women “asking for it” when they are sexually harassed. I absolutely do not think anyone “asks” to be sexually harassed or abused. It doesn’t matter if it’s 10 a.m. or p.m., in a club or in your home – it’s left up to interpretation. That skirt might not be provocative in your eyes but in his it is. To him it’s an invitation. Should you be harmed because he interpreted your skirt the wrong way? Living in New York last summer, I got cat calls and…let’s just say “requests” at 9 a.m. on my way to work. If a professional-conservative outfit, coffee in hand and a scowl on my face doesn’t send the message that I do not want to messed with, then I don’t know what will. My point is that it’s not about changing what women wear, it’s about changing the culture of men who think it’s ok to say these things to women.
After reading this chapter from Wood I was surprised to find that I think I am also in the middle, or ‘bilingual’ of how I like my relationship to work. I sometimes find that I am bothered by the lack of activity sharing in my partner and I’s relationship. I love talking things out and making sure that communication is always open, but my favorite way and key way I believe to really bonding with my partner is through sharing activities with him. I guess that shows that I want my partner to be my best friend, but then have an emotional connection and freedom with him that I might not have with other relationships in my life. I love how Wood even opened the chapter when she called personal relationships “unique” and said they “can’t be replaced.” She is so right in the aspect that each of my personal relationships are distinctly unique from each other, and I wouldn’t want to lose any one of them. I don’t think I could even get through life without all of them, and I also can get something different from all of them!
I have also seen the movie Taken, and while it was supposed to be a thriller, I found it terrifying knowing that this really does happen still, daily in the US and around the world. I found the scene where the dad finds his daughter’s best friend who has died from an overdose after being taken was the one that hit hardest for me. In less than 24 hours this girl had had her life taken from her for the benefit of 20 men or so? Why haven’t I heard much about this in the media?? I agree with Jessica in that the media needs to stop covering up or softening the brutality, as Wood notes, and let America in more on what is going on and how we can go about ending this. Nightmares like this are something we can prevent, if the government and high institutions stopped focusing on frivolous self-empowering subjects and took action against something that should have stopped in the past.
I think more women are able to say they are “bilingual” because as Wood said, feminine friendships are built around talk, but what girl doesn’t like “doing” activities as well. I value verbal communication and expressing emotion, but felt like I connected just as much, if not more, to the masculine gendered style. When reading Lee’s comment on page 214, I really connected to his idea about focusing on distractions when things go bad. I 100% do this, but sometimes think it is abnormal because of the social expectation for women to talk about their problems. Wood’s chapter on gendered verbal communication relates perfectly to this idea when she says, “For feminine people, talk is the essence of relationships.”
After reading the section on sexual slavery, I was constantly thinking about my best friend. After graduation, she is going to Uganda for a year and helping survivors of the sex trade industry. She will be living with these women and their children and trying to break the cycle. It is called the Zion Project and seems like an absolutely amazing experience. For those of you who do not have plans after graduation and are interested, check out their website. http://www.zionproject.org/
I too was shocked when reading the section on sex slavery. I was so surprised to learn that the United States is the second highest destination for trafficked women. It’s interesting to look at the contradiction that these astonishing facts bring up—we are a country founded on freedom and emphasize things like freedom of speech yet thousands upon thousands of women and children are being denied their basic rights. This issue is so “hush hush” that I feel like in a sense we are in denial that it is actually occurring in the U.S. The other day, I read that a massage parlor, literally five minutes from my house, was raided for prostitution and sex trafficking. I watch the news every day and consider myself to be pretty well versed in social and political issues and that was probably one of the first times that I’ve heard about anything related to sex slavery being reported. I definitely agree that if the media were to report on this more often, it would shed more light and bring the issue of sex trafficking to the forefront.
To touch on the virgin HIV-AIDS myth discussion, I believe this is mainly a cultural issue rather than a gender, male domination issue. While I think its hard to ever imagine and understand why a man would think that by having sex with a virgin they will be cured of HIV-ADIS, there is a huge difference in cultures. In countries like Africa, there are a multitude of reasons why this myth is accepted to be true, which correlates with HIV-AIDS being so rampant. These reasons range from distrust in modern medicine, lack of money to really the most important issue, which is lack of education. While we are taught the basic knowledge and prevention of HIV-AIDS, people in these countries are not given this key information and are therefore forced rely on what they hear.
In my African Politics class two semesters ago, my semester project was on sexual violence in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The DRC is one place in which the belief that having sex with (most often, unfortunately, in their case, raping) a virgin will cure AIDS is held. This is indeed due to lack of education, but also deep-seated cultural beliefs. Women are not valued as much as men in the DRC, and hundreds of thousands are raped and held in sexual slavery each year. I did not focus on the United States in my paper, but some of the sexual slaves being held in this country do come from the DRC. Like Brittney, I couldn’t believe the figures Wood provided about sexual slavery in this country. After studying the DRC for a whole semester and learning all about the horrible atrocities committed against women there every day, I find it especially unsettling that anything like this could be happening here, “the land of the free”. This one started right here in Virginia http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22083762/ns/today-today_news/t/sex-slaves-human-trafficking-america/#.T53KpLOXS70