Anthony DiBuccio Interview, History 150 spring 2016, Conducted by Marissa DiBuccio, Nontraditional Gender Role on March 25th, 2016
- This interview was conducted in person. I did not edit it a lot, however I did have to stop and record the second half in another file because of a time limit set by the free app I got to record the interview. I made sure it was just me and Mr. DiBuccio alone in a quiet area. I did the interview at my kitchen table and turned off all the televisions so there was no background noise. I brought my computer with a list of questions and had Mr. DiBuccio read them over and gave him about 15 minutes to prepare for the interview.
- Anthony DiBuccio (my father) was born in Connecticut in 1967. He is now 49 years old. He has two daughters and a son. He works at Johns Hopkins University as a sales manager for the last year. He has been remarried since 2002 to my step mom Jennifer. He met my birth mother while he was still in college at Johnson and Wales University in Rhode Island. In 1992 he and my mother married and by 1996 they had two daughters (me and my sister). In 1999 my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and in 2001 she passed away. My father began to raise me and my sister on his own. He took on a nontraditional role of a single dad at the young age of 35.
- Typically in our country when people think of single parent households they imagine a fatherless family when in actuality there are motherless homes as well. Home where the dad takes over and raises his children with not as much support and a less sympathetic reaction from society. According to the Huffington Post, “Back in 1960 there were fewer than 300,000 households headed by single dads, according to an analysis of Census Bureau data released today by the Pew Research Center. By 2011 that had grown to more than 2.6 million. That’s more than twice the rate of growth of single mother-led households, which quadrupled in the same period, to 8.6 million from 1.9 million”. Some difference between single moms and dads include the 41% rate of single fathers having a partner present (Belkin). They’re also more likely to be older, white males who are financially stable (Belkin). According to the Pew Research center, “About half (52%) are separated, divorced, widowed or never married and are living without a cohabiting partner”
Sources:
Livingston, G. (2013). The Rise of Single Fathers. Retrieved March 25, 2016, from http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/07/02/the-rise-of-single-fathers/
Belkin, L. (n.d.). Single Fathers: Pew Research Reports Number Of Single Dads Has Jumped In U.S. Retrieved March 25, 2016, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/02/single-fathers-pew-research_n_3535586.html
MD: “What was your biggest fear when you became a single dad?”
Mr. DiBuccio: It’s hard to narrow it down to one fear, but I had several. Being that you were girls and I was a man, a lot of things I didn’t know. How to style your hair, pick out clothes. You know what would I do when you got your “friend” [referring to a woman’s menstrual cycle] when you got older. You know stuff I never had to deal with, so it was very scary.
MD: What was your biggest struggle as a single father?
Mr. DiBuccio: It was very difficult balancing work, getting you guys to school, um luckily I had help from my mother and father, they would pick you up after school but I would bring you in the morning. So it was you know, it was probably the toughest part was just um you know because I had a very challenging and demanding job that required a lot of hours.
MD: As a single father, did you think that men raising their children don’t receive as much attention as the single moms?
Mr. DiBuccio: You never hear about single dads, you only hear about singles moms. So yeah I do think there is some gender inequality when it comes to singles moms vs single dads. You only hear about the challenges single moms are facing not the single dad.
MD: Can you describe the support system you had?
Mr. DiBuccio: Luckily I had a great support system, I had my mother and father there. Um and you know if I needed help or needed to travel at short notice, I could leave you with Grammy and Grandpa. My brother, your uncle Bryan was there for you guys. So luckily I had a lot of family support. Your grandparents um you know your moms parents were there so I could count on them too. I had a lot of help, it wasn’t as If I was on my own. Italian families, Irish families [my family is Italian and Irish] have big families so they all stick together, so you have a lot of help with it.
MD: Okay, raising two girls on your own must have been tough, did you find yourself seeking a woman’s opinion often?
Mr. DiBuccio: Umm yes, I would ask your grandmother a lot, I would ask your aunts, you know I couldn’t pick out clothes, [jokingly says] why do you think you went to an all-girls catholic school?
MD: uniforms!
Mr. DiBuccio: yeah uniforms, it was easy! And your one hairstyle was pigtails, it was the only thing I could do.
MD: “laughing”
MD: How did you handle dating?
Mr. DiBuccio: Dating was uhh it was tough. I would not bring any women around you guys [referring to me and my sister]. I didn’t want to parade women around you guys (…) so until I knew I found the one, I wouldn’t introduce you to anybody. So dating could be challenging. Um especially since I worked so many hours and I wanted to be with you guys, I didn’t want to be away from you guys so it was tough.
MD: Did you feel pressure or an obligation (whether it’s from yourself or society) to provide your daughters with a mother or mother-type figure in their lives?
Mr. DiBuccio: I guess I felt a little bit of pressure. I don’t know if it was so much from other people but you just worry about raising two girls alone without a mother figure, there’s things that women know that no matter how in touch with my femininity I wanted to be, I could never know because I never went through it. So yes, I wanted to have someone that you guys could look up to and ask questions that you weren’t comfortable asking your dad and that could provide proper guidance to you guys.
MD: What was the best part about your time as a single dad?
Mr. DiBuccio: my best time as a single dad…. [Long pause] [Jokingly says] I don’t know if I’m comfortable saying that in this interview. [We laugh]. No I guess it was just you know a difficult time, I lost my wife, but at the same time I got to spend a lot of time with my mother and father and you guys. It was really just the time that we had together, the trip we made on the Disney cruise. When I took you and your sister on the Disney cruise, just the three of us it was awesome. It was a good time. Except you would cooperate and go to Disney play land I had to stay with you the whole time [joking].
MD: I was very attached [laughingly saying this]
MD: Did you find it challenging balancing work and being the only parent?
Mr. DiBuccio: yes it was very challenging. The job I had I ran a department of 20 people. I had to stay after hours, get in early to set up, I would often get called to travel out of state. It was very difficult being a single parent, trying to do that and take care of your parental responsibilities at the same time.
MD: Was the company you worked for understanding?
Mr. DiBuccio: They were very understanding, but when it came to getting your job done, you still had to get your job done. When your mom was sick I could leave any time I wanted to, they really didn’t give me a hard time about that at all. A lot of times I would be gone when she was in intensive care, I’d be gone for weeks and there was no question my job was there for me. They held it open for me and never put any pressure on me to show up while she was in the hospital or anything. They were awesome. Anytime I needed something they were there, if I needed stuff for you guys they would provide it. They were great, it was a great company. I was friends with the CEO, all the executive vice presidents so it really helped.
MD: While your wife was sick, you were in the process of building your dream home, how did you feel about moving out of that house after she died?
Mr. DiBuccio: It was extremely painful, we actually designed the home together. We went to an architect and designed it based on what we each wanted and right as the design process was finalized she had gotten sick and I was forced to start and finish the product. I was actually the
GC, I was my own general contractor. I hired family members, friends that I knew that were in the trades to do each part of the house. In between working, taking care of your mom, and trying to keep the family afloat I also built this house. The sad part of it was that as excited as you got over seeing different pieces of the home get complete and then you see the finished product, your mom never saw it. She, because of the tumor [my mother, his wife had a brain tumor] gone blind, she was crippled and never got a chance to see the house. She knew she was in it towards the end when she was able to communicate again she knew she was in the house but she could never see the finished product. It was a very painful experience to have to sell something that you worked so hard on and meant so much to the love of your life. I had to sell the house, it was very difficult.
MD: What was it like making a new home for your family as a single dad?
Mr. DiBuccio: I was actually very excited about it, because it was a chance to kind of start over and kind of mend myself, heal myself a little bit. It was six doors down from my parents, your grandparents. We lived with Grammy and Grandpa [his parents] while I gutted out the unit, the condo we were living in. I rebuilt it basically from the ground up and I over did it. It was like a guinea palace [this is a joke, he is making a reference to Italian people]. I had marble and granite all over the place. New cabinets, new carpets, new hardwoods all over. I replaced every toilet and every sink in the house. I literally gutted the place down to the studs and I would get out of work and come home and work on it until midnight or when the neighbors would call and complain about the noise. It was great and it gave your grandmother [his mother] a chance to decorate the house. She played a big part in helping me decorate the house. She helped me pick out a lot of items and she loved it. It was a chance for her to get to spend a lot of time with you and your sister and it gave her a chance to shop on my dime [joke]. Grandpa was grateful for it.
MD: We were so close it must have been helpful being near Grammy and Grandpa
Mr. DiBuccio: It was very helpful. On the weekends I would spend a lot of time there working in the condo and you guys would run back and forth between where I was working and where we were living with Grammy and grandpa. It was only six doors down, so you would go in between the units and she would take to the pool and the beach because we were right across from it and it gave you guys a chance to really get close to my family. For two years I really couldn’t see my family because I was taking care of your mother. I couldn’t leave her alone. I couldn’t even leave the house to get a gallon of milk for you guys. I’d have to call someone to go get it for me. It was actually a lot of fun and very therapeutic to redo the condo for me.
MD: Well thank you for your time. I appreciate it.
Mr. DiBuccio: You’re quite welcome.